It is a science. Hard fact. I am going to leave. Er, no- you are going to leave. There is something worth leaving. There is something to be left. It will be planned out with a step by step procedure, what will be done. It's considered scientific because there's a hypothesis: "if you leave in way a, then they will react in way b because they (likely) care and do not realize the negative impact this thing is having on me ("c" tends to stay the same, or at least rather similar). This is what is being tested. We have our predictions about how it will turn out, which likely affects how we conduct the action of "a". We want a certain outcome ("b"), but know that because of "c," that outcome is extremely unlikely to occur.
However, that makes no difference. Because at this point, leaving, a person, a relationship, a friendship, seems worth it. Coming to this conclusion was not easy, it took time. Time to process, time to accept the circumstances. But ultimately, you have arrived at this place. You have been driven to the point where you've gone down the ABCs themselves, looking at all the options, trying to find ways to make it work. And you've ended up at Z. It's all very formal, logical. Matter of fact. You tried solution after solution, and now there's only one way out. So you send the text.
"Hey, after taking some time to regroup and think, I feel like we both just need to start moving on and going our separate ways. All the best"
Direct. Not impolite. Civil. Cordial. Decision? Made prior. No room left for rebuttal. Reactant has been added. And now you wait for the reaction to occur.
Hypothesis proven incorrect, reactant a did not prompt the explosion expected, less of a reaction than expected entirely. Product is stable. Note: will have to deviate from preset procedure to adapt to b.
And it's like clockwork. We send back texts, replying and reacting in a monotone manner. Note: the messages are not as was expected, but the tone is as it is supposed to be.
And it all continues as planned. Another procedure completed. On to the next one. Right?
Right. And you do, move on to the next one, that is. Procedure wasn't carried out perfectly as planned, it actually went better than expected. Nothing is stopping you from continuing on in the same manner as before b came into play in the first place. You slip back into the rhythm, like the clock never stopped ticking, no time lost and no time to lose.
Until it isn't. Until you're reminded. A song comes on, and the facts fade from your memory, and it all becomes real. It's more than a cause and effect equation, than the advice from your friends that seem like cumulative facts and common sense, because the feelings being brought up are real. It doesn't overwhelm you or flood you grief, as you know you were right to leave. But it's there, stirring something in you. And for a minute, time backtracks, to the time and place you last saw them, to when you first heard that song. It's like this thing that you left is suddenly not satisfied with your carefully formulated texts, and is now begging to be acknowledged for what it is- or rather, what it was, one last time. So you do. You stop separating yourself from what your brain is telling you to do, from the whole situation, and allow yourself to feel the impact.
And slowly, I do. I remember how I felt in situations, truly carefree and happy, as though literally nothing could bring me down. I remember thinking that this was it, this was what people searched their whole lives to find. And here I was, so young, and already lucky enough to have discovered it, to have discovered them: my person. It was the feeling of security, knowing that something and someone in your future was so definite. A safe haven in a person. But if I was going to give myself the chance to feel the good, I had to do the same with the bad. I let myself feel the blow of every hateful text after text that they sent, the ones that slowly diminished what I had and my feelings for them, every insult that made me reevaluate myself and my self worth. I reminisced on all the times they made my feelings feel invalid, after they begged me to express them, each time I had apologized for things I shouldn't have, each time I probably did the same to them. I thought about how we got to where we were, the entanglement of love and spite and joy and jealously and bliss and detest, and I accepted it all. The song was coming down the to the last few seconds, and I skipped back to play it again, to feel again, for a bit more. It was all valid, every feeling, because it all happened.
And I don't know if I believe in closure, but I know if I did, this would be it.
J
J
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